Returning to You
Compassionate action has to start with ourselves. It is unconditional compassion for ourselves that leads naturally to unconditional compassion for others. If we are willing to stand fully in our own shoes and never give up on ourselves, then we will be able to put ourselves in the shoes of others and never give up on them—Pema Chödrön.
Trauma changes everything. It has a way of shaking up your entire system, shifting and moving your energy away from your center to the far extremes, alternating between hyper-arousal and hypo-arousal. Sometimes, your system gets stuck in one of these extremes, and sometimes, both.
Hyper-arousal symptoms:
chronic anxious feelings, panic attacks, impulsivity
obsessive or racing thoughts
rage, anger, angry outbursts
being easily startled or scared
being constantly on guard or looking out for threats
sleep disturbances (i.e., difficulties with falling or staying asleep)
difficulties with concentration (in school or work)
Hypo-arousal symptoms:
chronic “low” or depressed feelings, lethargy
feelings of “emptiness”, hopelessness, guilt or shame
sense of helplessness or inability to defend/rescue self
difficulties with thinking and processing information
difficulties with sleeping, eating and daily movement
disengaging from pleasurable activities and social interactions/relationships
engaging in self-destructive behaviors
Trauma can distort your sense of reality, time, the way you view the world and how you relate to the people around you, especially with whom you have a close or an intimate relationship, such as coworkers, friends, family, children, spouse or romantic partner. Undeniably, trauma changes the very fundamental relationship you have with yourselves; it makes you question your very own existence in this world, and challenges your sense of safety, trust, worth, and your capacity to give and receive love.
The manifestation of unresolved trauma can be observed through trauma survivors’ re-enactment of the trauma in their lives—recreating or replicating the chaos, disruption, and disorganization that they had experienced from the original traumatic event(s). Often perceiving the world as an unsafe place and that everyone is out to get them, this mental construct can lead many trauma survivors to be defensive in situations that are seemingly benign, initiating or engaging in (high) conflicts with others, escalating a minute problem to an explosive argument, and elevating the distress level of those around them to a greater magnitude.
Other times, when memories of trauma become too overwhelming to manage, trauma survivors may attempt to cope by engaging in a pattern of self-destructive or addictive behaviors, including alcohol, drugs, sex, food, diets, exercise, social media, gambling, gaming, shopping, cutting/scratching/burning/carving into their body parts. When the physical escape is not an option, dissociation becomes an easy mental escape for trauma survivors to find temporary comfort and relief—by disconnecting from their feelings, body, loved ones, daily reality, and the present moment (e.g., spacing out, drifting off, daydreaming, mind going blank, watching self from the outside, and having out-of-body experience).
Because the historical roots of trauma are invisible, trauma survivors can spend years and even their whole lives searching for ways to cope, often ineffectively, due to the lack of awareness of and not addressing the root cause of their own sufferings. Most trauma survivors, especially those who have been wounded by or exposed to ethnoviolence (e.g., racism, genocides, hate crimes), war-related and refugee circumstance, natural disasters, community violence, domestic/intimate partner violence, school and work-place violence, childhood physical/sexual/emotional abuse, severe neglect and abandonment, or sudden/violent death of a loved one, have extreme difficulties returning to this center within themselves, finding it challenging to manage their triggers safely, no matter how much time has passed since the original traumatic event(s) took place. Oftentimes, in attempt to cope with their initial trauma, survivors can find themselves running into the similar unsafe situation that they try to escape in the first place.
Depending on the severity and complexity of their trauma, survivors often struggle to reconnect with all the fragmented pieces of themselves, unable to recognize their self-worth or love who they are. In particular, they are, either consciously or unconsciously, harsher towards themselves more than anyone, believing that everyone else may deserve unconditional love, compassion and kindness, except themselves. These feelings of shame and self-loathing can sometimes be projected onto those closest to them, or those who remind them of the parts of themselves that have been stripped of dignity and denied of love.
Returning to yourselves means taking that courageous journey back to the original place where the chaos, pain, and sufferings of past trauma are stored, and face the very things that have scared and haunted you, without giving into the urge of fighting, hiding or running away from them. Within a safe and healthy (therapeutic) relationship, along with appropriate guidance of a trauma-informed mental-health professional, you can rebuild your inner sense of safety, release what once was, grieve the loss of who you were, embrace and nurture all the fragmented pieces of yourselves with acceptance, compassion and loving-kindness. Only then, can your healing truly begin as you learn to love yourself back into wholeness.
While it may not be an easy journey and unfolds differently for everyone, it is a journey that is best not to be traveled alone. But I promise you that it is a journey worth taking, because the view on the other side of these valleys and mountains is otherworldly. And that feeling of finally being home—the safe and sacred place within yourself, is an indescribable feeling of utter peace, joy and freedom, something that few can comprehend, and no one can take away from you.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is a collection of knowledge and wisdom from my years of clinical training, direct work experience with trauma survivors, anecdotal data from former clients, and my personal experience. It is my humble attempt to condense and deliver a slice of this vast information to you, in hope to raise awareness and offer a different view of looking at mental health and wellness—from the trauma lens and holistic perspective.
There are many nuances and aspects of a human life (e.g., medical condition, physical/spiritual health, historical/biological/cultural/social and environmental factors, resources and support, individual’s strengths and resilience) that all need to be considered when working with each individual. Please also be aware that each mental-health professional has their own qualifications, skill set, style and level of competence in providing care for their clients.
Recommendation: Please note that trauma is NOT a diagnosis but it is a stress response to what happened to you. Please do not start googling your symptoms and diagnosing yourself or your loved ones. Trauma work is not an easy breezy quick walk in the park. You need a trained trauma-informed therapist to support you through your healing process. And the main point of therapy is NOT to receive a diagnosis and make your diagnosis your new identity or to label anyone. Diagnosis is meant to provide a direction for treatment, and for insurance purposes. The main point is to explore, process and take steps to resolve the challenges behind your diagnosis.
—Updated 11/18/2020.