A Lifetime of Transitions
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.” —Rainer Maria Rilke
As nature changes its color, it’s impossible not to notice all the transitions around me and within me, both the minutiae and the major ones. In fact, life transitions on a daily basis whether we realize it or not—from dawn to sunrise, daylight to sunset, and leaves turning gold and red, only to eventually become brown and shed themselves, to lead the way for a winter ahead. Some transitions are quite beautiful and glorious to witness.
On a human level, major life transitions often encompass a wide range of events, such as birth of a baby, graduation, attending college, getting married, moving home, moving to a new country, changing our career, ending of a relationship, getting divorced, becoming an empty-nester, retirement, being diagnosed with a major illness, losing a job, losing our loved one through death, or facing our own mortality. Collectively, our world is going through monumental crises of humanity. And the US, where it has been my physical home for the last decades, is also going through another historical transition of its time.
These stressful events, no matter how small or big, can be quite disruptive and life-altering. They may trigger small ripple effects or activate larger waves of change in many areas of our lives—from our daily routine to our safety and wellbeing, from our family structure to our relationship dynamics, both the future of our children and the future of our (global) connections. They have the power to force us out of our comfort zone, stretch our limits, test our resolve, and challenge our ability to cope. They can also, and willfully, awaken the dormant memories and physiological phenomena of our past trauma—the skeletons that were hidden in our closet for so long, the demons we thought we had conquered or the dragons we believed we had tamed.
Major life transitions can make past trauma so seemingly present in our lives at any moment in time. Or is it trauma, that finds a way to quietly sneak past the open backdoor or through that cracked window of our lives during times of major life transition?
During these highly confusing and disorienting times, unconscious memories, and feelings of distress, anger, shame, guilt, grief, inadequacy, and helplessness can resurface. We may question our own reality, and the validity of our feelings. We may even wonder, how can a traumatic event, old wounds and past hurts, suddenly re-appear and still have such a strong hold on our body, mind and psyche after so long?
It is perfectly human to be going through the commotion of difficult feelings and re-experiencing of these past memories. However, it is how we respond to those rumblings, noises and shifts, both within us and outside of us, that determines the level of discomfort or pain we may endure. We can choose to ruminate over the potential negative outcomes of our lives and world events. We can choose to allow the underworld of our dark thoughts, rage, and hate to take over, directing it out into our society, taking aim at our loved ones and those around us. Or, we can initiate a different kind of change for ourselves—to plant new seeds of positive intention and awareness within us, and water those seeds daily with the practice of compassion and loving-kindness.
What will happen if we view transition as our opportunity to reorient, restructure, and renew our inner landscape and ultimately, the landscape of our world? What will happen if we see transition as our chance to engage in the raw and tender moments with ourselves through personal reflection, to tend to old wounds that come up and ask for our attention, to repair ruptures and mend the cracks in our relationships, to take inventory of our lives, to redefine what truly is important and meaningful, and to make the conscious choices to move in that direction? If we approach transition from these perspectives, then transition is merely a process of regeneration—a clearing of the ground and letting go of the old, that we ought to do in order to welcome new growth and unexpected beginnings that await us.
At our very center, we are the hearts and the souls that long to be heard, to be seen, to be loved and to have our stories told. So, at the very least we can do for ourselves and one another is to be ever present, mindful and respectful of each other’s experience. Although we may have our difference of opinions, values, beliefs, and social statuses, we can choose to honor our same humanity, and extend our genuine compassion towards each other during this time of great change, just as we would do to care for the young child in us who was once wounded by trauma. We are our own and each other’s heroes we have been waiting for.
May my words find you safe and well. Please take good care of yourself and your loved ones.