The Art of Losing (Part 2)
Much of our lives is about loss, don’t you think? And grief is a normal response to any loss. A loss, or a series of multiple losses, especially deep losses—like a child’s loss of a significant attachment figure, death of a beloved parent or close family member, loss of love and relationships, broken trust and promises through betrayals, all affect us profoundly and can cause ripple effects to other areas of our lives. They also have the power to stir up our past trauma that may have been lying asleep in our subconscious for years, especially the one that was buried alive, and bottled up in a jar for decades, waiting to course its way out in a forceful manner.
A Different Kind of Grief
Some time in my 20’s, someone told me that writing our own obituary can reconnect us to what really matters, and give us clarity about our life’s direction and purpose. So that we can live with no regrets and be more in alignment with who we are from within. To let our heart lead the way and allow the language of our Soul move us into actions.
Although I did a lot of writing during that time, I never came around to write my own obituary. While those of my age were busy chasing after the frills and the thrills of their roaring 20’s, hopping on and off that relationship carousel, I was busy trying to make sense of my own losses at that time—and they were not losses of door keys or some knickknacks.
This faceless, shapeless but weighty thing visited me regularly and stayed as my travel companion for quite a few years. My heart lugged around bags of heavy heart things that I had unknowingly accumulated, and desperately needed to unpack.
For many long months, I was submerged in that cocoon, swimming in that gooey mess and letting it all unravel. But that was exactly where I needed to be, to fully experience the depth of my losses in order to make it to the other side of pains.
Then again, how would you describe that kind of grief to someone, to anyone, and to the Western society that often chooses to ignore, suppress, and even shame any expression of grief? Many don’t realize how debilitating grief can be, especially when it’s traumatic, complex or complicated.
In fact, many symptoms of grief overlap with, or should I say, mimic, those of anxiety and depression, and can weaken the immune system, which increases the chances of one’s developing diseases, infections, and/or body tensions, aches and pains.
Similar to many self-destructive ways that one may choose to cope with their unresolved trauma, grief or unresolved grief may lead the mourning to (re)engage in alcohol and/or drug use, especially if one has a personal history of addiction. One can also turn to other unhealthy means to numb their pain of loss.
Unfortunately, within the mental-health field, dialogues on Grief and Loss are often avoided, glossed over or rarely acknowledged at all. It is easy for mental-health professionals or healthcare providers to misinterpret grief in their clients/patients. Too often, they can quickly assign a mental-health diagnosis, or a medical condition, and prescribe a medical model of treatment.
Many talk a great deal about being trauma-informed in their practice these days. Yet, many remain shortsighted of the fact that all trauma is accompanied by grief. Though it is worthy to note that not all grief is traumatic.
It has made me wonder, Is it the topic of Grief and Loss that people avoid? Or, is it the pain of their own grief that they avoid?
Of course, how can you be present for someone in grief when you have not honored your own?
The Impermanence of All Things
As you can see, I am no stranger to loss, for I have been practicing the art of losing throughout my life. Grief is an old friend, whose gifts I have learned to treasure. Whenever grief revisits me, I’m reminded of this Buddhist teaching that I read from the sacred text in my earlier years—the concept of impermanence.
This concept speaks of how temporary everything is, that everything in life is transitory. All that we have—like our house, cars, jobs, money, roles, titles, relationships, and people, they are not ours to keep for eternity. Even our pain is not meant to last forever. But moments—life’s precious moments, the here and the now, are the most valuable assets we do have. And even they, too, are fleeting.
If everything in life is indeed temporary, then the questions we need to ask ourselves are:
How can we learn to be present and live wholeheartedly in each moment, and cherish all that we have in front of us before they are gone? And when certain things or people are on their way out of our lives, how ready are we to loosen our grip and bid farewell without losing ourselves in the process?
If we’re willing to lean into loss, grief can awaken our deepest existential and spiritual yearnings, to move us in the direction where our highest truths await, and further propel us to rise to higher level of maturity and greater wisdom.
If we practice losing in such a way, that the more we lose, the closer we are to discover what truly matters. And the more layers of clothes we shed, the easier we can pull back the curtains for our true authentic Self to step forth and shine through.
That is the most beautiful part of that winged thing. But it is only through accepting the gifts of grief that we can truly experience it.
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Here’s a truth that I have found—once you have engaged in the necessary healing work on yourself, the art of losing is not hard to master. And there shall come a time when you become fluent in this language—the language of the Soul. That is when you decide to make a heartful commitment to live in alignment with your life’s greatest purpose, vow to hold deeper appreciation for all life’s precious moments, and embrace fully, reverently, and tenderly of the ones who are present with you within those droplets of time.
If you can practice living like that, who needs to write an obituary?
Because it’s already been written.
Recommendations:
From my experience, grief is not a linear process that comes in stages. But grief does come in waves, with a mixed bag of emotions, too—some are big waves, and some are small gentle swells. It is important to recognize that everyone grieves differently. And grief can make you feel heavy, empty, exhausted, disoriented and isolated.
If you are in mourning, don’t fight it or rush through it. Take your time and be with it all the way. Grief doesn’t have a timeline or an expiration date. Please consider asking for time away from your daily obligation and getting the help you need for your family, especially if you have small children. Engage in as much self-nourishment as possible to take care of your physical body and restore your energy. When you’re ready to share, reach out to someone you trust (e.g., your loved one, a confidante or a professional), who can hold a safe space for your check-in or full-on grief support. Please consult a licensed healthcare professional for any medical needs.
If someone you know is in mourning, please reach out to them in-person, through phone call(s) or by writing cards/letters. Listen to them and reassure them that you can be available when they are ready to connect with you. Do not take things personally or assume things when the mourning pushes you away or withdraws from you for a while. That is all part of the grieving process. Honor their need for privacy to do their grieving. But do check up on them to let them know that you’re around should they need you.
While grief support group, group counseling or healing circles can be helpful for some, the openness and oversharing within the group setting can be triggering/activating for those who are still in the vulnerable phase of grief and/or have experienced trauma/traumatic grief. If the latter is your circumstance or you’re just a private person in general, choose to engage in one-on-one environment where your privacy is honored, where you feel safe and supported by a grief-informed professional.
As someone who searched for grief support in my 20’s, I was guided to the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross* when I stumbled upon one of her books, and have since admired her wisdom and non-medical approach in her late years. I also appreciate the work of David Kessler*. Both are experts in the areas of Grief and Loss, as well as Death and Dying.
*Disclaimer: My business is not affiliated with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation, nor do I receive any endorsement for mentioning these experts’ names. However, I do believe in giving credit where credit is due.