A Reflection on Kindness
Don’t ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance, or my kindness for weakness. Compassion and tolerance are not a sign of weakness, but a sign of strength. —The Dalai Lama XIV.
As this impending shift is upon us, I contemplated on what can keep us all going and help us move through this dark winter ahead. My thoughts kept turning to a past moment in time, to a special encounter I had with an adorable little boy a few years ago.
Much smaller in stature compared to most children his age, his feet didn’t quite touch the floor and dangled happily when he positioned himself on the couch across from me. Many of his symptoms were somatic and quite severe, though his pediatrician couldn’t identify a medical condition. Despite not having any record of his prenatal history as no information on his biological parents was available, my intuition told me that his first exposure to trauma occurred long before he even came into this world—it happened in his mother’s womb. Whatever his biological mother experienced in her lifetime and during her pregnancy directly impacted him as a fetus.
After sharing small pieces of his more recent traumatic experience, he gazed into the space towards my direction. With his eyes glistened, he let out a soft sigh of melancholy, face painted with so much despair.
I don’t know why there is so much hate in this world. He said softly.
With my heart in my throat, I paused and felt the shifting and churning inside my chest as I tried to hold this tender moment with all my might until I could find my breath again.
There may be a lot of hate in this world, but I want you to know that there is also a lot of love in this world. And YOUR kindness can make a difference. You have so much kindness in you. I said to him, with this one intention in mind—I wanted to honor his experience while nurturing the sparks of hope and beams of light within him.
He perked up and looked at me with a big smile, nodding a few times to let me know that he understood what I meant. I smiled back. Then, I quickly glanced over next to him where his non-biological father sat. There I witnessed the most endearing sight of vulnerability, orchestrated through the quietest tearful expression on his father’s face. In that moment, I knew that it was not just that little boy who needed to hear those words.
Later on that night, after all the to-do’s and my evening routine, I had some time to be with myself and reflect on the events of the day. This dialogue I had with this little boy came rushing back to me as I replayed the words of our exchange. I wondered if my words really made sense to him. I wondered if those words will be enough to carry him through his years ahead as he continues his journey in this world, to find his way back to his roots, where his feet will sink into the deepest ground within him. And his greatest quest will be to transform his own pain and the pains of his previous generations that he carries in his body, both the ones of his biological and non-biological families.
Then suddenly, I realized this one truth, that the one person who needed to hear those words the most was me.
My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.—Maya Angelou.
Personal Reflection
In a society where kindness is often mistaken for weakness, taken for granted, and confused with naiveté, we tend to forget that the greatest gift we have ever received is often the gift of kindness—the gift that has the magic to turn a frown upside down, the strength to uplift another human spirit, and the power to change the course of our lives, especially in moments of crisis, during times of heartbreaks, grief, losses, despair and injustices, when everything in our path seems to crumble down while the rest of the world seems to hurry on by.
Kindness is the bridge that connects the dark to the light, the rock that fills the gap between divides, the flickering candle in a room full of darkness, and the first ray of sunlight after a long dark night. It is that small encouraging voice amidst our long hard struggle, a thoughtful gesture from a random stranger when least expected, a safe embrace, a warm shelter, and genuine caring attention from the most unexpected source … to remind us not to ever give up on ourselves and our humanity despite our grim surrounding. It is one of the most important ingredients in our recipe for human connection, for our individual, relational and social healing. And whether we believe it or not, it is an antidote that alleviates much of the emotional pain and suffering in this world.
So, in this season and throughout your life, may you take the time to notice all the gentle acts of kindness around you. May you sprinkle a little more kindness in your relationships and your well-being. Even in your trying time and darkest moments, may you continue to reach for the kindness within.
May you always choose (to give and receive) the gift of kindness—the gift that can last a lifetime, the gift that breathes and lives, the gift that goes on and keeps on giving.
For your reflection:
When was the last time someone was kind to you?
When was the last time you were kind to someone?
When was the last time you were kind to you?
What are some ways you can be a little kinder to yourself, your loved ones, your colleagues, your community, and your global family?
Observe the dialogues you have with yourself, about or with another person. Are they kind? Certain words may be quite familiar; notice their origins and messages. And there are words that you may need to hear or read about—words that you may have never heard before. Let them be your signposts along your journey, although their meanings and depths may not be fully realized until months or years later.
Disclaimer: This entry is an adaptation from an article I wrote for my work newsletter a few years back. Many details on client case were removed to maintain confidentiality. It was a way for me to share information on my work with client and my reflective practice as I, a human being, also bring myself into my work. Reflective practice has been encouraged in my clinical work—it is an essential tool in my clinician’s tool box, though many clinicians have not participated in the formal training or in regular practice.
Please do NOT make any assumption, misinterpret my intention behind my blog, or create your own version of who I am as a person or my real life—you’ve only gotten a glimpse of it here. Much of the information provided in my blog is meant to inform the public and/or potential clients; it is for those who are not familiar with the deep roots of trauma. Please examine your motives for giving unsolicited advice—some “very unhealthy motives” may come from a place of judgement, a desire to establish dominance, or attention-seeking and narcissistic tendencies of the advice giver.
The culture of social media has unfortunately programmed many to engage in spreading misinformation, unsolicited advice giving, and misinterpretation of others. It has further led to a rise in cyberbullying and many mental health issues. It has definitely created too much unnecessary drama and increased interpersonal and personal conflicts. Please examine your role in creating/spreading drama—it may have something to do with your personal history of trauma. The wild wild west of social media just makes it more easy to play out your trauma role without any accountability. It has done more harm than good—it is the VERY reason why I’ve chosen to disengage from it for many years.
If you’re already an expert or a specialist in the field, take what you need and leave the rest. Please understand that I don’t have to provide any of the information here for the public—it is FREE and an offering from me to the world. If any content of my blog triggers you, please examine your own triggers to explore where they come from, why they come up and your own reactions. They may reveal something deep in your subconscious that you weren’t aware of. Most certainly, you can always choose to discontinue reading if it causes you any discomfort. And you don’t have to return to my website/blog.
The beauty of this entry is that it captured a moment in time where the client scenario reflected back to me what I also experienced and what I observed about the state of our world. And unfortunately, the state of our world has contributed significantly to the rise in the health crises and mental health challenges that we are facing in our present day. Perhaps the world has slowed down now, just so we can re-examine our societal ills (or our collective shadows), dig deep to do our own individual work, and release the old way of living, so that we can build a more positive change for our future—a more healthy, loving, and sustainable future for our next generations. Maybe, one day I’ll blog more about this too. Until then, take great care. Continue to spread your kindness and hold up your light. Each of us has to wake up and do our part.
—A note from Hoa, 12/23/2020.